I am more than

This is my second post in only a day, but things here felt far too dark for me. This blog is not about self-pity or rehashing the past over and over. This blog is about me. The main thing I have struggled with is my identity. Others have defined me. So many others that I have absorbed their definition of me and made it my own. It is not. This is my attempt to reclaim myself. So here is a bit more about me.

I’m married. I work a full time job and take 14 credit hours at a local college. I love to sing, but my crippling stage fright will only allow me to do it in the car. I dance terribly. I’m always covered in bruises and I never know exactly how I got them. My family guess that they are the result of me randomly walking into door frames, side view mirrors, tripping on my own pants…

I love animals and I have the greatest cat in the world, a Maine Coon named Niko. I have a very strange family that I love very much. I read everything that I can get my hands on. I am a firm believer in reproductive rights, universal healthcare, and the separation of church and state. I become insanely passionate about these topics, to the point that none of those close to me will mention any of them.

I love having my nails painted and my hair done, but I can’t be bothered. I love yoga and bicycling. I can’t sit still long enough to watch a movie. I don’t think before I speak. I love sunshine and jokes. I want to be something. I want to break out of this mold that I have allowed myself to be placed into.

This blog won’t be an endless ramble of misery. I will write about my family, my job, my school…I will write about anything that could be informative or entertaining. I want to put my true self out there, out here. I want to share who I really am, not the woman that I was made into.

Hopefully, I can make some friends along the way.

-Ashley

Inspired by The Bloggess and The Traveling Red Dress

My name is Ashley. I’m 24 years old. I live in a tiny southern town where, stereotypically, every knows everyone else’s business. Today, I was reading about the Traveling Red Dress. I thought of Jenny Lawson’s (The Bloggess) courage in writing about her struggles. I’ve been called courageous by a lot of people, but I haven’t lived up to that title in years. This is my attempt to reclaim it.

I have had issues with mental health in the past.  I still deal with some of these issues today. Only this week, I was placed back on medication for anxiety. That is OK, but so many of us hide these sorts of illnesses. They do not make us less than. We should not be ashamed. I won’t be ashamed anymore.

I am a 24 year old “birth mother” or “first mother” who has fought eating disorders, PTSD, BDD, major depression, and anxiety. My child was conceived during a rape. I want to make clear that I love him no less, and that this did not influence my decision to choose adoption. However, I was fifteen years old and did not report the rape. My son’s biological father attempted to overturn the adoption. I fought for 18 months to keep my son safe with his parents.

To this day, that is my identity. The girl who gave her baby away. The girl who sold her baby. That whore who sold the baby. Stole the baby from his father. Ruined his life. On and on. After so long, I’m not even sure who I am anymore. I’ve become a caricature, even to myself.

I’m sick of running from that. I’m sick of being hurt by those comments. I know exactly what I did and I know why I did it. I have no shame.

This blog will likely chronicle a bit of my life today. I will tell stories about the things that I have gone through, in hopes that others will be helped. I will also try to rediscover who I am, outside of past diagnosis or accusations.

This blog will be my red dress…and if I happen to get my hands on one of the real Travelling Red Dresses, I will rock that dress. And post photos.